Grey Matter

2012-02-14T18:51:00.001+05:30

Who needs Valentine's Day when you can have exams!

2012-02-11T19:55:00.003+05:30

I went furniture buying today, because my exams are coming and I can't study sitting on the bed.
My house now owns three pieces of second-hand furniture, all of them a very strange assortment together. Nothing matches.
The table is foldable, wooden and metal. The chair is a very old, very grimy looking blue metal foldable chair. It's a small but sturdy thing and I can only imagine how old it actually is. The blue on it is pretty nice though. And the shelf I bought was probably somebody's shoe rack at some point, but once I paint and varnish it, it will be a beautiful bookshelf.
Also, I saw really big turkeys! Like the ones Obelix saw in Astrix and the Great Crossing, in the island of gobblers!
I just really regret not having my camera.

2012-02-11T11:42:00.000+05:30

Being awesome is the best revenge.

2012-02-07T18:51:00.003+05:30

I know I'm clutching very tightly, my fistful of sand.
But the water it comes and the water it goes, repetitive like clock-work, breaking everything into small fragments, pulling them away.
Time and sand, they're all the same.

2012-02-07T03:03:00.003+05:30

How should I be, in love?
Should it be a love like bookends, holding our stories in between
Or like an old velvet chair, lingering lonely around your space?
And you will come and fall into the old familiarity that comes with having owned something so long, stroking it lovingly, reminding yourself once again how much you love this battered old chair.

2012-01-29T15:31:00.001+05:30

And springtime starts but then it stops

In the name of something new

Amazing.

2012-01-11T00:37:00.000+05:30

2012-01-10T00:13:00.001+05:30

Because real flowers die.

2012-01-05T21:48:00.003+05:30

Always looking, looking
For the right song to fill the mind
Always seeking, seeking
The right quote to fit the time
Always waiting, waiting
For the next disappointing line

2012-01-04T21:09:00.001+05:30

Slap yourself hard on the forehead and remember:

It totally blows when you run out of rolling paper.

2012-01-03T17:10:00.003+05:30

I was in Pune for the new year, I made an impulsive decision to just go, so that the fate of last year's 31st was up to me, and not anyone else. We stayed in FTII, drinking, smoking and rolling around on the grass while other drunken people puked around the periphery.

With Bundle, is such a confusing place to be. I hate being crippled, but here I am.
Every time I meet him, it's like something has slapped me very hard across the face and the sting of it is making my eyes water. If you'd asked me a few years ago, I would have told you that I could survive any love, and that I already felt I had. But this, this is so difficult to survive because hours and hours, months and months of proximity has given way to a few moments in which we pacify ourselves with fleeting phone conversations. It's so, simply put, hard.
I miss being around him. I miss everything that allowed me to get so attached to him in the first place.
When he came to visit, when I went to visit, when he stayed with me for a whole week- my heart broke so loudly inside me when he left, that I thought everyone had heard it. Every time he left I felt I would not recover from it, that my heart, irreversibly broken by this abandonment would remain in that way. It gets better, but the sting remains somehow, too stubborn to be pulled out easily.

Now that I'm back I feel, sort of, common. Not even common in the sense that I can gain some comfort from the familiarity of being common like everyone else.
My confidence in myself- greatly arising from being untested, is beginning to fade, and I am where other people were years ago. Yet I find myself falling harder than they, breaking harder than they. It's embarrassing and touching at the same time, how I hate myself for being so dramatic and how I want to hug myself because I know what I'm feeling.

I would travel more if it would distract me, but for now even the new pretty places aren't enough.

But hey, happy happy new year to me!

2011-12-30T00:03:00.003+05:30

Is it the presence of hardship that makes life beautiful?
If this is a Great Realization then I think it shall take me some time to arrive at it.

I am accustomed to being dissatisfied with life all the time.

It sucks.

But I've realized its how i am- somehow, indefinitely put off by life.
My mind-set is difficult to alter. It takes me so long to truly learn things from life. Cause we're forever picking up on things, learning things,
But sometimes it's so long.. before you know that you were wrong,

And you realize you've lived decades based on what you know.

2011-12-25T02:37:00.002+05:30

Christmas sucks. Not just because it's a holiday that isn't really mine in any way, not because we celebrate because we don't have enough holidays of our own at that time of year and really, we just love a reason to throw a really big party and have at least one or two days in which people can drink till really late and make lots of noise and the clubs will make shit loads of money, and everyone will get dressed in small clothes even if its really cold because, hey, its Christmas!

Christmas sucks because all I did was eat maggi, get horribly depressed thinking about how I didn't have fun last year, and study about Learning Disabilities and Research methods in social sciences.

2011-12-24T13:33:00.001+05:30

Now that I have internet, life should be so fucked up as to not give me any peace, and even more fucked up that I'm spending the end of the year alone. Didn't I do that last year?

2011-12-03T23:06:00.000+05:30

Patience> Time.

2011-10-01T22:07:00.002+05:30

'Long ago, far away
Life was clear, close your eyes
Remember, is a place from long ago
Remember, filled with every thing you know

Remember, life is just a memory'

2011-09-27T23:23:00.002+05:30

I now have a house of my own! And it has a balcony! And a terrace! And a huge bedroom which is mine!
I am so relieved its over and that I now have a place to make into a home =)

A love was lost. And now we found it.

2011-09-23T21:51:00.001+05:30

A lov

2011-09-23T16:24:00.003+05:30

It's the whole world that falls short of feeling.
It's not me.

2011-09-21T21:10:00.000+05:30

My kind of German.

2011-09-20T13:32:00.000+05:30

Today I feel like a melancholy tune from a trumpet.
And it sucks.

2011-09-18T15:23:00.002+05:30

1. What time did you get up this morning?

With great difficulty, sometime before ten am.

2. How do you like your steak?

Well done, with mushroom sauce mmmmmm.

3. What was the first film you saw?

God knows.

4. What's your favourite TV show?

I'm not sure, it changes. Maybe Masterchef Australia.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Himachal.

7. What is your favourite cuisine?

Italian. I think.

8. What foods do you dislike?

Capsicum. Liver. Organs and such. I can deal with the other stuff.

9. Favourite place(s) to eat?

Mocambo for devilled crabs and steak, Orchid for momos, Plan B for chicken wings, High Note for sliced chilli beef, Arefin's house for biriyani, Bundle's house for everything, and home, when Ma cooks.

10. Favourite Dressing?

Something light with olive oil, pepper, lemon and pineapples!

11. What kind of car do you drive?

The imaginary kind. Sometimes other people let me drive their cars.

12. What are your favourite clothes?

Boxers and ganjee. Comfort beats the hell out of everything else.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?

China, Ladakh, Bhutan, Greece, Barcelona, Vegas, Thailand, Ziro Valley in Arunachal Pradesh, Himachal again and again, Morocco, Brazil. I think the list is too long.

14. Cup half full or half empty?

As long as it's Bailey's or Amarula I'm sorted.

15. Where would you want to retire?

In the mountains, in a small wooden and stone hut in the middle of nowhere.

16. Favourite time of day?

I don't know.

17. Where were you born?

Calcutta.

18. What is your favourite sport to watch?

I gotta say wrestling =p

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?

I have no idea.

20. Person you think will tag you back first?

Refer to previous answer.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses?

I'm practicing the art of curtailing my curiosity.

22. Are you a bird watcher?

I'm a dog watcher.

23. Are you a morning or a night person?

Night.

24. Do you have any pets?

Yes =D

25. Any new or exciting news you'd like to share?

No you nosey.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?

A vet. I ditched the idea when I found out how much I would have to study.

27. What is your best childhood memory?

It's not a 'what', it's a 'who' and it's my grandfather.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?

More dogs.

29. What colour are your eyes?

Some shade of brown I suppose.

30. Always wear your seat belt?

Nope.

31. Been in a car accident?

Not yet.

32. Any pet peeves?

Yes, lots.

33. Favourite pizza toppings?

Pineapple.

34. Favourite Flower?

Water lilies.

35. Favourite Ice Cream?

Yeah, it could be dark chocolate, or coffee, or mint.

36. Favourite Famous Food Restaurant?

Famous food restaurant? Wtf?

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?

Who's giving a test man

38. From whom did you get your last email?

I think it was a threat from my aunt.

39. From which store would you choose to max out your credit card?

Canon.

40. Done anything spontaneous lately?

Yes, I ate mushrooms day before.

41. Like your job?

My job is to bug my brother, and its on a break because I am here.

42. Broccoli?

I guess.

43. What was your favourite vacation?

Himachal.

44. Last person you went to dinner with?

Nikita.

45. What are you watching right now?

Two and a half men.

46. Favourite colour?

Black.

47. How many tattoos do you have?

Three.

48. Have you jumped out of a perfectly good airplane?

Have you?

49. Are you a good kisser?

I must be.

50. How tall are you?

Not very.

New listenings on repeat!

2011-09-16T15:32:00.001+05:30

Thank you Srin.

2011-09-14T21:23:00.002+05:30

I was worried, because I hadn't written in so long, that I might have forgotten how-to altogether. So I decided to sit down, put on some nice music and just keep this page open.

It feels like again something in my life has changed in the last couple of months. This 'off and on' that Change has got going, although it might seem to have 'off' moments, really doesn't. It happens so secretively and so quietly, that one day it'll hit you suddenly when you're sitting on a train staring out the window wondering why you're not on the other side, standing in the green fields, taking a picture of that quaint little graveyard you saw near that river.
Life takes so long for some people.
Dilli and Benares passed mostly without any positive outcome, although there was a lot of drinking involved, and that seemed to make time pass faster. Ma and I managed to catch Benares at a bad time, the place being invaded by more-than-usual hordes of people. The traffic there comprised of anything but cars- cows, people, bullock carts, more people, children, markets, garbage. I knew there was an enchanted old city nestling softly, sleeping under all this clutter. I caught glimpses of it tucked away like folds, between ugly buildings, broken shops and humanity. When I peered in, beautiful delicate stucco windows peered back at me like shy brides who had been hiding behind old curtains. I wish I had more time, and I wish Benares had less people.
Ma and I did some tourist-things, like having the lassi at Ramnagar, the Benarasi paan, which is awful but leaves a nice taste in your mouth, and the museum.
There wasn't much time for Benares to end and Bangalore to begin, I left as soon as I came back home, and only spent half-a-day very tired, with fever and stoned- at home.

Once admissions were done in Bangalore, I returned home as soon as possible so I could spend some time with Bundle before he left for Pune. I stayed in his house for four days, and even after all that, I wish there were more days. I spent the remaining days at home eating lots and lots of what I wouldn't get here. And as soon as it had ended, I was on a train to Bangalore, staring out the window. The cab ride to the station was awful. The streets were littered with picture-memories, and I felt something squirm inside which I quickly covered up with the excitement of new things to come.
It rained nearly all the way to Bangalore. Every passing place looked like poetry.
Every tree hunched over a pond, every odd little shrine in the middle of nothing, coconut trees huddled like desperate survivors in the storm, small red winding dirt roads, the brown rivers that stretched out like deserts, everything was poetry. Placed daintily, verse after verse, lush green field after lush green field. It stood out, that there was a shrine in the middle of nowhere, a small white religious pedestal standing alone. There were no houses around it, no people, just green and trees. There were clusters of graves resting under trees, some of them marked just by a large stick with some dried flowers hanging limply from it.
Everything was simple. Beautifully precise. Spot on. Poetry.

2011-09-01T13:46:00.000+05:30

'Don't you know, little fool, you never can win?'

2011-08-19T18:09:00.003+05:30

I think the most excruciating and beautiful thing that an intimate relationship can offer you is Familiarity. It's this horribly personal, untouchable kind of thing that you inhale and exhale in sighs.

=(

2011-08-16T15:49:00.001+05:30

Oshadharaon na hotey giye ki hoye gelam.

More on this, later.

2011-08-11T16:02:00.002+05:30

Sometimes I feel lost

As I pull you out like strings of memories

Wish I could weave them into you

Then I could figure the whole damn puzzle out

Then again, oh

And if I were a king

If I had everything

If I had you and I could give you your dreams

If I were giant-sized, on top of it all

Then tell me what in the world would I go on for

If I had it all

If I could take anything

If I had no greed to bring

Only the poison that's tainting the clean

Oh, then nothing

2011-08-11T13:44:00.001+05:30

Happiness is more difficult to contain than to find. Nobody ever tells you that, they always say that you just need to let it find you. What they don't say, is that you need to let it find you, suck your life out of the top of your head, wring you dry and expect you to still be so thankful that you have it.

Ah fuckthis, I'll just go smoke a j.

2011-08-09T13:25:00.000+05:30

God is a deejay

2011-08-05T08:31:00.002+05:30

SO!
It wont be possible to fit everything here. Actually it will, but I don't want to store it that way.
I'll tell you the most important things and leave the others for later.

I now have a college! An actual college! With classes and everything! And many cute dogs! Classes start in September and honestly I can't wait to go back to the Bangalore weather.

I drove a Lancer down NH7, yes, me. A Lancer yes. NH7 yes. =D
Next time I'll go to fifth gear!

PlanB has reeally really good chicken wings, and I had no idea my friend Nikita was SO LOVABLE!
She has succeeded (where many women have failed) in surprising me, and from now on I solemnly swear never to upset her.

Did I mention I have a college now?
Yem-Yess-Cee and mee!

2011-07-22T23:49:00.002+05:30

Benaras,
tomorrow.
Tomorrow!
And then Bangalore very soon after.
Why have I travelled so much this year, and none of it was for pleasure!!!?
Growing up has far too little to look forward to than what I was promised.
*bigunmistakeableSULK*

2011-07-21T12:23:00.003+05:30

I honestly don't think I'll survive 2012 if anything does happen. I mean, some say it will some say it wont, but jesus, the anxiety is enough to freak the living daylights out of me. It feels like, I'm just twenty three, and life is already SO strange and complicated, that I cannot, just cannot picture myself three years later! Just three years and I don't know where I might be! But what I am saying, is the real killer, is this anxiety.
No idea where it came from, no idea how it grew. I have this pathological need to fix people. Spot something 'unusual' and want to just get in there and fix fix fix fixxxxxit before it screws up again. Existence must be truly sincere, don't you agree?

2011-07-19T13:45:00.003+05:30

I think of myself as a premature example of what everyone should be but isn't. Stubborn, undeniably irrational and selfish about what is mine. True, I have not been moulded yet, into a desirable, beautiful form, but somewhere inside I hope that's where I'm going. Eventually.

Can such selfishness be adorable, I am waiting to find out. There is no joy unless it is unbridled, no real emotion if there is fear involved. I cannot, and you will not be able to find real love if you are scared. There is the lurking possibility of detachment, but that is far away and I don't pass it much. This conscious decision to ignore what could possibly be very transparently breaking, it will drain me of all my fervour for this sort of life, this sort of love. Either you are mine, or nobody else will ever again be like you. Either I am your living breathing everything, or nothing. I am not the kind you put in a box and forget about. The box will burn out and I will escape like the smoke leaving a candle, you could have sworn I was there, but I have left nothing but a shapeless heap behind.

(anyway this is all bullshit.)

I would hold you in my arms until we both are home

I would hold you in my arms until we both are all alone

2011-07-19T00:07:00.000+05:30

Sadly, no sign of Love.

2011-07-15T13:05:00.001+05:30

I will tame this life.

2011-07-11T13:30:00.003+05:30

I have this recurring dream that feels so real I think I smile in my sleep. It's not much, but it has this beautiful cliff overlooking the sea, and everywhere else there are just trees and flowers and lovely blue crystalline light that seems to come from the water. I never know how I get to the cliff, I only know I ran, but by the time I am ten feet away from it, the music that's playing is about to reach a huge climax, like the most dramatic part of the most awesome song you've ever heard, and just as the song hits the peak, I jump clear off the cliff and I feel lifted like the luckiest spirit that ever lived.

2011-07-07T18:17:00.002+05:30

'Don't threaten me with love, baby. Let's just go walking in the rain.'

From Ma's garden.

2011-06-21T17:16:00.003+05:30

Love it hides behind the anticipation of rationally, small things, but nothing that feel short of a particularly warm feeling, a kind of combination of looking at a beautiful apple tree wondering whether it would flower with apples that would ripen in the maybe-approaching summer. Waiting, watching, watering.

It stands between your inner strength and the fear you have of losing, this constant threat hanging around your beautiful garden, like the first fall of frost which you know will kill your roses.

Would you just not grow any roses?

2011-06-19T14:50:00.001+05:30

Shobbai-ke ato bhaalo dekhtey, toh amakey erom dekhtey kano!

2011-06-14T11:34:00.003+05:30

Yeah, sing softly to me.

2011-06-13T10:34:00.002+05:30

I'm leaving for Delhi in two days and I wont be home for a month. I hope I'll write more there than I do here. There's lots to say but I keep losing it or time keeps eluding me or I get mad about something.
Sometimes thinking just sucks.

2011-06-13T00:22:00.001+05:30

New baby ganja sapling, and tattoo.
Smile and wave, boys.
Smile and wave.

2011-06-03T15:19:00.000+05:30

Akdom dhorey diye ditey hoye =P

2011-06-01T12:35:00.002+05:30

Very hectic very hectic. Actually no, not very hectic, but I've been trying SO HARD to study!
Like, I suppose you have no idea how hard it is to get back to it, unless you're trying to do just that- get back to it. Two years of not studying is really having its effect on me. Anyway, that said, today was my first entrance exam for BHU, and I'll just say I'm glad its over. I had warned Ma from before that she should not get disappointed if my name doesn't come out in the list. I'm really hoping for Delhi to work out.

In other things, the birthday just passed me, I don't feel older, I just feel annoyed.
I didn't drink as much as I thought I would, and I was the last to go to bed, but I can't say it was bad.

And I got presents! Presents! Wrapped up in the element of surprise!
A Winnie-the-pooh mug with a cover, which immediately made me think of myself walking back to my hostel room drunk, with tea in my hand, and how wonderful it would be to not spill any of it. An 8GB memory card for my camera *YAAAYY* which immediately made me think of the many photos and no need to keep deleting them to make space. Cake! Bundle showed up in the morning with cake and later took me to south city cause I wanted to spend some money. He ended up paying for the two tops I bought, he did it on the sly while I was on the phone, and handed me the bag with a stupid smile on his face. Also, he says- "I paid for it with my card".
Aaw, so proud I am! So I bought a pair of white and red earrings, because, well, I wanted to spend money. I have the rest of my birthday money saved, and I'm getting my tattoo with it this week. New tattoo promises immense pain followed by oodles of awesome.
Can I wait? No! :D

2011-05-25T20:23:00.001+05:30

Make way for the birthday blues,
It happens every year.

2011-05-25T02:30:00.003+05:30

Three days ago, for the first time in my life I saw a dog being put to sleep. Her beautiful skin lay draped over the bones on her face as the life bled out of her like a fierce red rose dying. The bright crimson blood that had been oozing out of her open wound turned dark and fell quiet on the ground, softly, with an echo that seemed to shake the room. Two men had been sent to do this strange job, of going to people's houses and killing their pets (mercifully?) sitting there watching as people crumble under the pressure of a loss.
She had lost most of her mobility in less than a week, and as they injected her she cried out and struggled like an animal tied down from all sides. Like she wanted to break free and live. Everything fell apart at that second. I didn't know what I was doing there watching this happen. I didn't know why I was letting it happen. How do I know that her crying wasn't because of the pain but because of a desire to live. Everything I had told myself about it being the 'right thing to do', just gave way and I found myself looking at a carcass. I would have missed it, but I was waiting for the light to leave her eyes. I almost saw it disintegrate in the sunlight. It left behind an opaque abyss, a dry mouth and beautiful, beautiful, fine, thick fur.

2011-05-21T22:03:00.004+05:30

Be free you creature of love. When I return, I shall visit you with new flowers.

2011-05-20T11:56:00.001+05:30

In less than a week I get older on paper =(
Hopefully I have already lived half my life. Beshi deen na baachlei bhaalo hoye.

Cutest thing everrrrr

2011-05-19T13:03:00.001+05:30

2011-05-17T11:00:00.002+05:30

My very carefully-thought-out wishlist for this year-

1.) One fantastic backpack, the kinds that get larger, that hold rope and sleeping bags and whatnot.
2.) Trekking shoes. No more sneakers.
3.) Macro lens for when I can afford them.
4.) Another tattoo.

and

5.) The perfect mug for my coffee(s) and tea(s).

2011-05-14T13:43:00.002+05:30

I'm not confused, but do all long relationships feel like half-eaten conversations getting cold on a plate?
Is the time to deny now or later?
Dammit.

2011-05-10T13:00:00.003+05:30

Many big important things are looming round the corner- my many entrance exams, my hopefully leaving for college, Bundle leaving for Pune, my birthday, my LIFE FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS! Oh my god. I think it's time to panic.

2011-05-04T18:35:00.005+05:30

I always find the hint of a heartbreak setting in when I am coming back to the city. A tiny speck of longing that had been hiding behind the anticipation of travel suddenly swells up as I realise that in a few minutes I will touch the haphazardly twisted concrete city that is home.

I think it happens every time.

I went to Shantiniketan again to see it in the summer heat. I had a fading picture in my head of the February winter- small purple and orange flowers covering the houses, dogs looking for a patch of sun, the small black cat scavenging for a warm lap. This time the lovely purple flowers were gone, but in it's place the melting sun had scattered bright red krishnochura flowers. They dotted the treetops like small spots of blood, fell in clusters when the rare gust of wind shook the branches. The small mango trees in the house gardens groaned under the pressure of the summer-laden fruits, and my hands itched to steal some of the sweet summery green-ness. Twist and tear it right off. Hide it away to savour later. If only you could do that with moments in life..

The sun was so hot during the day that I had to stay indoors most of the time, but every day when late afternoon set in, Sher Khaan and I would take a walk down to the fields to smoke and watch the sun set. We found a nice spot between two palm trees right in front of a small paddy field. The end of the paddy field led the vision towards different shades of open green cut out like small and big sizes of craft paper, and beyond that, more trees and then the sky- a little red, a little pink, a lot of blue, with a deep crimson sun hanging like a pendant. Most days there would be a stagnant stillness hanging in the air that left a sort of aftertaste in the mouth, of moisture, grass and wild flowers mixed together. On the slightly windy days the rice field would sway lazily, the light-footed wind dancing a waltz on the tips of the grain. You could almost follow the wind over the fields, watch her run astray pushing aside the rows of greenish-yellow crop.

We had two cloudy evenings, it would go as fast as it had come, and if you were unaware you'd have missed it altogether. The cool grey clouds looked like torn bits of rag absentmindedly floating by, herded by the impatient winds, and small light yellow flowers came flying off the palm trees around the pond. The ducks had stopped swimming, the birds had stopped flying, and we all sat by the pond and waited quietly for the rain to come. Out of the two cloudy days, there was rain in only one. It caught us suddenly when we were out drinking hundi in a village nearby, and we had to run all the way home so as not to wet my camera. They served us the hundi in large plastic mugs that you use in the bathroom, each mug- five bucks. We were drinking outside a mud house, sitting on a string and bamboo khatia, as the women sat around the cooking pot tending to stubborn children and firewood. I went for one tribal wedding, and I found lots of dancing, drinking and drums. Everyone sat in a circle in the courtyard while some people got up and danced in the center. Everyone had flowers in their hair, bright red krishnochura and yellow lilies. A small group of men sat on one side with huge drums, and they beat the taut skin surfaces with big wooden sticks. The children of the house lurked shyly behind their mothers, some clung on to theirs, faces shied away from the center, still taking everything in. The dogs hid in the shadows waiting for leftovers.
When we would eat dinner, we could hear the crickets singing outside, and once in a while there were small frogs that hopped around us, their hearts beating frantically as they tried to get out of the room. There were an array of colourful bugs that dotted the air and trees around us, the showroom had a constant droning sound that came from the large family of bumble bees that had made nests there.
I was out of place this time. I went for peace, but instead I found confusion. I wanted to make a choice, I wanted to think about my options, and instead I lost it all because the light fell differently this time of year. In a way I am thankful, I am almost confident that there is nothing else to document, no patch of beautifully placed sunlight that I have missed. And yet there is always something, there is always something you've left behind.

Treasure trove.

2011-04-29T23:48:00.001+05:30

2011-04-26T23:17:00.005+05:30

I will never understand how some people manage to make good friends wherever they go.
I stopped making good friends when I left school. Maybe it's just me.
Yeah, that's probably it.

2011-04-26T15:19:00.000+05:30

My first try on sports mode. I love this photo.

2011-04-25T11:51:00.000+05:30

FUCKING ELECTIONS giving me a FUCKING HEADACHE with all this FUCKING NOISE!

2011-04-19T15:28:00.002+05:30

The urge to run away overwhelms me so often. I want to leave all this behind and take a walk in the mountains. Summer is here, which means that my yearly trip is not far away. But it is so far away! This always happens. The last month I am restless, irritated and fighting for it to end quickly, all this waiting. I hate waiting for this. From the day I come back, till the day I return, I am thinking about going back.

One stray day of rain, one strong gust of fresh wind sends my head reeling. My biggest question always is- WHY am I still here? It's taking so long for life to work out. I want to think different things, but I am stuck trying to mend myself and trying to chuck it all and flee. I am being pulled from both sides- I want to change myself for myself, but I also want to just leave me alone. Does that make sense? It feels like too little time to correct. A lot of people are wrong, so why cant I just be one of them? They live, I live, and only one or two people might have to deal with the consequences. But it'll mostly be me, wont it? So why does everyone want me to fix things? Why does everyone assume I can fix them?

I don't know how these things are meant to work. The only reason I try at all, is because saying 'I cant do it' is being weak. But I am weak, we're all weak in our own secretive ways. It's just becoming difficult to hide behind my ego anymore. It gives out too often, and I find myself in circumstances where I have nothing to cover me. What then? There is no sound, but inside me, like a huge ship crashing into the rocks, is the fear that when I hit the water I wont be able to save myself because I never learnt how to swim.

Oh! Monde de solitude!

2011-04-16T04:15:00.001+05:30

We have so much.

Sometimes I wish I could carve it in stone, that there was once two people like you and I, and we had something like This.

2011-04-13T13:57:00.001+05:30

Everybody must watch a Rajnikanth movie.
I saw two so far, and I cannot wait for more.
Superstar Rajni now has another avid fan.

2011-04-11T13:33:00.002+05:30

My only workable resolution for this time in my life, is that I will not hesitate to lie flat on the ground, any ground, to take a nice photo.
Dirt can be washed off and more clothes can be bought, but OH, the regret of not taking a certain awesome photo lasts FOREVER.

2011-04-09T21:21:00.004+05:30

Ei maasher last ko-akta deen money hocchey je jiboner kono boro problem-i ami theek korey handle kori ni. Kono kicchur kaach theke useful, concrete kicchu shikhi ni. Shudhu khujechi shohoj rasta, nijekey shobcheye kom shomoye diyechi, nijer byapaarey shobcheye kom bhebechi, nijekey shobcheye beshi ignore korechi.
Prothom boyfriend thekey shuru korey ditiyo, baba-r shongey jhamela, school-er best friend-er shongey apotti, college, Ma, life, konotaar kaach thekei ami kicchu shikhtey paarlam na.

Shedin money holo ato kicchu akhon change korbo ki bhaabey? Atogulo purono chhere pheley asha jinishgulo-r thekey akhon ki korey bhaalo korey shikhbo? Orom hoye na, rewind button toh thaakey na, jodi boli ja hobaar hoye gachey, taholey eita ki result? Ami ki erom-i thaakbo?
Asha chherey dicchi na, khoob genuinely question korchi. Onek boyesh toh holo, onek shomoye toh chilo shob theek korar. Aar ebar?

Anyway ei gaan ta amar khoob bhaalo laagey.

2011-04-07T13:07:00.002+05:30

FUCK.
There's too many places I want to see.

2011-04-07T10:13:00.002+05:30

I think I should be locked in a containment unit when I'm PMSing. It's so fucking frustrating the shit that people do and say at this time, like I want to either kill them or run away crying. And it seems I always choose 'crying' because I cry, a LOT, and for stupid reasons. Like yesterday I started howling because I was so tired of being a girl. Can you believe that? I was tired of being a girl, as if one day I just wouldn't be anymore and it'd be okay. And it's so difficult to explain to someone what's happening in my head while I'm howling about this obviously unchangeable fact. And on top of that I was at Bundle's place then, and although the plan was fantastic biriyani and a movie, I ended up hugging him and crying on his bed, while he just patted me and told me it'd be okay. I don't think he understood any of it, but he did his bit. I must look like such a fool. I must BE such a fool.

2011-04-04T13:27:00.004+05:30

I first sat down and looked at a cricket match in 1996. That was when my sister used to stay up nights to watch it, the walls in her room were covered in posters and I was never allowed to take or touch any of her Rahul Dravid post cards. I tried then, to like cricket just because she did, and sadly I didn't succeed. More and more of not watching happened.

In the last few months what with the world cup and such, I agreed to watch matches so that I could try and be interested in Bundle's interest, and also so I could spend more time with him. Surprisingly, I was watching. He was explaining things as we watched, of course, but I am thankful that it is a game you can understand even if you don't know the specifics of what's happening. Once India beat Australia, I knew it was extraordinary. The amount of times I had read headlines about The Great Indian Defeat at the hands of Australians, made it even more clear that this was a big occasion. And then Pakistan. Even if you don't watch cricket, you know what an India-Pakistan match means. And I will stress again, that I was actually watching- for once in my never-cared school of thought, I was watching India play and I was having fun.
The finals ended and we drove to Park Street to watch the celebrations. The streets were full of people hanging out of cars, flags in their hands and colour on their faces. Everyone was shouting and cheering, random people wanted to hug us and say thank you, cops looked unusually quiet as they stood there and watched while burning newspapers littered the roads. It was such a fantastic thing to be seeing! This was the one time in the year that you wouldn't curse at the person who cut you off in the middle of the road. Hey man, we won the fucking World Cup, of course you can cut me off! There were convertibles, Audis, BMWs, Skodas, Chevvys packed onto the streets beside run down Marutis, families on scooters, taxis and old Esteems, everyone was oblivious to the separation in society that usually surrounds us. We were all cheering as one, and even when we were stuck in traffic at midnight, cars stuck bumper to bumper, someone would yell out- 'GO DHONI GO INDIA!' and everyone who heard in that line of cars, would shout back. People were standing on top of their cars and dancing, people were sitting on top of taxis and cheering, people who passed you on the road wanted to give you high fives and shake your hand, cops were being bathed in rum and there was a huge crowd in the middle of Park Street crossing with a tempo and a set of large speakers. Everyone was drunk and dancing, it was like a low-level disco with fireworks and half-naked fans and chyangra naach- LOTS of it. Even the guys I had gone with did their bit by climbing onto a tempo, taking off their shirts and waving it around their heads as a tribute to Ganguly and what he did. I had SO much fun I cannot explain to you. For once I was doing this thing that usually only boys can enjoy, cause they don't have to worry about girl-things like getting felt up or worse. For once I was there where the madness was happening, dancing with sweaty strangers, and not looking at some photos on a newspaper front page, wondering what it would be like to be able to go. It helped of course, that we had cars, which we usually never do. And whiskey mixed with Sprite because the shops were closed and there was no Pepsi. And weed.

It was like this-

In the second one you can actually see Prayag in his ganjee in the crowd. I got it off youtube.

2011-03-31T14:45:00.001+05:30

Hold your breath
Make a wish
Count to three

Come with me
And you'll be
In a world of
Pure imagination
Take a look
And you'll see
Into your imagination

We'll begin
With a spin
Traveling in
The world of my creation
What we'll see
Will defy
Explanation

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly wish to be

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly
Wish to be

2011-03-28T14:54:00.001+05:30

I re-read a fantastic poem I had read long ago, written by this girl I know.

2011-03-28T14:17:00.003+05:30

My mind is like a little room with two windows and a manhole. I worry constantly about rat infestation. How do they come in how will they go out?
Sometimes they're everywhere, where can you go to stay out of their reach? Where can you climb? Where can you go where can you run? They're everywhere, pouring out like filth from sewers. By the thousands, all unleashed into this little room. I must find a way to get to the manhole so I can pry it open, but I don't have the tools, I don't have the courage required to get down on the floor to do the same. I must poison them, but I don't know where to hide this poison. Where can I hide it so my happy-dog-tendencies will not find them and eat them instead? Only the rats must die. If only there were so many crevices where I could hide it, so many places to push it out of sight, out of harm's reach. But there is disease everywhere, there is filth everywhere and the rats are all over my room.

2011-03-27T13:39:00.001+05:30

I can't believe Elizabeth Taylor is dead.

2011-03-26T21:00:00.002+05:30

"By night, Love, tie your heart to mine, and the two
together in their sleep will defeat the darkness"

2011-03-24T12:29:00.004+05:30

It's sad that we were born fearless. As time goes by and we grow older, we are nothing but learning to be wary. Adolescence brought with it such a bravado, such a zest for everything you aren't allowed to have just yet. It never stopped me, it fuelled me instead. Nothing was impossible, nothing was anything I couldn't do. There was no apprehension, there was no worry of losing it all in one moment, there was no limit to what I planned. There was a chance then, that the whole world was unfair, and really I deserved everything I wanted.

Insecurity is the Great Bitch. It was born of me, like a helpless, mewling baby flailing hands, till I unknowingly provided enough food for thought, enough ammunition for it to grow slyly behind me, like a cornered soldier counting his days.

Really it's the premature bravery, isn't it? It's because I chose to be brave from the start, is how I've come to be afraid so quickly. Have I come to know, too soon, the ways in which life can fail you? The pins remain untouched while my ball rolls into the gutter over and over again. Now there is fear for everything, there is fear for the fears I will soon grow, for the apprehension that will sprout from the top of my head like horns, the scare of abandonment will erupt from my fingers like long hard nails and clutch tightly to what I am so badly trying to keep. There is no wisdom to be gained from insecurity, there is only fear, fear and more fear.

2011-03-22T13:11:00.002+05:30

So I wait for you like a lonely house till you will see me again and live in me. Till then my windows ache.
-Pablo Neruda.

2011-03-22T13:06:00.000+05:30

If you're not part of the freaks, you're part of the boredom. — Perry Farrell.

2011-03-21T12:23:00.002+05:30

I know a boy who hits his girlfriend when he's drunk.
What a strange world we live in. Some kind of warped evolution in this generation has given rise to this set of women-beating men wearing affable masks of civil, polite manner, their true male chauvinistic selves well hidden. There is a need to wear a coat and hat so as not to stick out like a sore thumb so unused to civilization. On the other side they nurture a strong connection to their uncivil animal selves, quick to defend their mothers, while all the while hitting girls less than half their size. Is this respect for women? I don't know. You can walk in expensive leather shoes, but it doesn't really buy you your manners, does it?
I don't know who to blame, really. I don't even think there is some side you can blame. We've become some sort of strange mix of attributes we're fighting to get rid of and fighting to keep. Women who are independent and weak at the same time, men who are gentle animals prone to becoming rabid at the slightest tweak. It's almost disappointing that gentleness and sensitivity aren't things you can buy by the gram in convenience stores.

2011-03-18T12:28:00.000+05:30

And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make

-The Beatles.

2011-03-16T18:40:00.004+05:30

Day before yesterday I saw a movie in which a drowning man in a sinking ship couldn't let go of his box of records even though it was weighing him down. The whole room was underwater and he sank downwards holding the large wooden box. He clutched at it with both his hands, shaking his head furiously when someone trying to save him was taking it away. As they pushed and pulled under the water and the box opened, his precious records floated out and away, the old, colourful covers looking dull under the water. They floated out of their covers and hovered above his head, a clear blue room full of water with black circles swaying lazily moving slowly upwards.
I wanted to be there right then. Right in that place, in a sinking ship, clutching hopelessly at old cherished records. Life will bring you so many metaphors in the shape of intermittent scenes. Suddenly you'll decipher it your own way, in your own time. I could feel the impact of that moment in the movie so clearly as if it had happened to me thousands of time. I loved that scene. I loved the position of the man in that scene. The place his heart must have been, to pick records over life, music over living, a dull record cover for a breath of air.

2011-03-14T15:10:00.003+05:30

More and more everyday love seems like a waste of spirit.

A journey with no volunteers, a game with no players, a quest down a rabbit hole with no cheese in sight.

2011-03-13T15:33:00.002+05:30

Sometimes the brain doesn't work. Like yesterday, actually day before yesterday when I suggested that we (my brother and jojo) drink at night instead of smoking. My brain was not functioning, I suppose, because I sort of forgot that I don't drink anything other than beer. So anyway we got a laaarge bottle of Blender's Pride last night, and yes, success, I didn't remember much after my fourth glass. Or was it the third glass.. ? I forget.
I woke up in the morning thinking that the whiskey bottle was still on the floor and what will happen if Ma sees it. I got out of bed and saw that it was not there, so I asked my brother where he'd kept it and he said that I had taken it with me when I left the room.

Wait, what?

I spent one horribly tensed hour worrying about the large bottle of unfinished whiskey that was nesting somewhere in my house, hopefully safely, if I could only REMEMBER where I'd apparently kept it. Plus I have a hangover.

2011-03-11T22:48:00.000+05:30

Curly hair- thoughtful face- phototime- voila!

2011-03-10T10:25:00.004+05:30

If you've ever heard of or seen this movie called Emmanuelle, you'll know what I'm talking about when I say that that boys are lowly base creatures who probably feign intelligence. It happens to be a movie about a spaceship full of aliens (all of them surprisingly human-looking), who come to earth and find this Emmanuel girl to help them 'learn about our race'.
Basically they want to learn how to fuck.
So this Emmanuelle graciously agrees to 'teach' them, her first act of teaching, of course, she sleeps with the spaceship's captain- Haffron. Ooo. Haffron.
The rest of the movie is basically about how Haffron (oooo) pretty much sleeps with every woman he sees, because, Emmanuelle wants to teach him a lesson about how all women have beautiful souls. It happens because first she tells him that she thinks she might not be the right one to teach him, and then Haffron (ooo) keeps insisting that he knows she IS the one to teach them, and he says he knows what her soul is like and he would be able to recognize her even if she didn't look like herself. So, Emmanuelle decides to disguise herself, and Haffron (okay, no more ooo) is supposed to find her. So he goes on a fucking spree, literally. A fucking spree.
And that's not even all, the movie is so weird, that everytime someone, anyone, is doing it, the other aliens back on the ship wear these mindphone type things and close their eyes and moan and touch themselves all over. When a sexual act is about to start, the computer voice on the spaceship says- "Sexual Activity Initiated. Prepare to Monitor Progress.'

Really, need I say more?
Watch!

P.s, There are lots of Emmanuelle movies. A sort of series. This one was called 'First Contact' =P

2011-03-09T13:37:00.002+05:30

Four years tomorrow.
I've stopped thinking about what to do, in fact I think I would have preferred it if I didn't start thinking about what to do at all. It would have saved me a lot of trouble.
But I cannot explain how badly I want it to be something memorable. It is, already, by virtue of being a day that marks four years, but to do something that'll really blow my mind..
Now that would be awesome.

2011-03-08T11:45:00.002+05:30

I think I was better off worrying about getting fleas from baby goats. The city has again brought about a doubt, a dissatisfaction, a lack of words, and an overdose of self evaluation with no direction.

2011-03-07T11:33:00.001+05:30

Blogger's block!!
Eeee!

2011-03-03T17:17:00.001+05:30

"Ecstatic feelings of love and happiness, affinity for other people, feeling of being at home with one's self and the universe, flowing visions with more intricacy, beauty, and color than anything found in nature, sound which one can taste and feel with heart and soul, a sense of suspension in time and feeling akin with eternity and infinity, a brilliantly lucid mind able to see itself from vast and novel perspectives, an overwhelming tide of emotions... These are the feelings that are common with LSD and most other psychedelics. One should also be prepared for the negative side: confusion, frightful visions and images, fear of dying or losing control, feeling controlled by and unable to escape from the definitions one has grown accustomed to, or being overwhelmed by the immensity of life. "

2011-03-03T13:34:00.001+05:30

Look at where we are, love,
Look at what we have.

Dreamers may leave,
But we're here ever after

2011-02-26T10:13:00.002+05:30

Sometimes the kisses are full of sighs. This thing feels like a ray of light, it moves in a pattern that goes up and down, it doesn't exist without the darkness around it. So, sometimes the kisses are full of sighs. There is never enough time or enough space inside ourselves to be able to take in all of it.
Sometimes I am really really happy, his eyes are closed and on his lips there rests a half-smile that echoes what he's feeling, his hands are holding my waist and in moments he will stop and smell my neck, bury his face in it and take a deep breath.

2011-02-09T22:47:00.002+05:30

Bhebey dekhley bojha jaaye je jiboney drama-r orom kono dorkaar nei.
But, oh how we love drama.

2011-02-04T09:27:00.004+05:30

Important correction:

I am not a 'photographer'. My pictures are not my 'work'. I am not in the 'business' of 'producing' photographs.
I am merely looking at the same things differently, and sometimes I just want to take a photo and keep it.

The mint with the Hole.

2011-02-03T13:54:00.004+05:30

Yesterday I was feeling like a polo, with a huge hole through my self, the ring made out of my body too little to make me last. If someone had to take from me, I, like a polo, would break into pieces after a while of being savoured. I, of course, have no ambition in life, other than to provide you with a taste, fresh like new memories. Like a polo I would be in your mouth, and you are the type that doesn't bite straight into it, so you'd keep me there, move it around inside your mouth so that the sweetness spread everywhere, and thus you'd keep at it till it became a thin, brittle circle of sugary mintyness. And then, with your mouth muscles not equipped to maintain such a fragile thing, you would, at some point, bite into the mint, and I would then disintegrate, with a last burst of sweetness in your mouth.

New photos!

2011-02-03T13:14:00.001+05:30

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=275747&id=512774798&l=83eec059e9

From Bangalore and between and after.

2011-01-30T22:51:00.002+05:30

I want my main focus this year to be me. Well, it should be me all the time, but I have unfortunately evolved for the worst (in some ways) and it seems almost impossible and super simple at the same time. I hate that. It's the stupidly simple things that are hardest to do.
No amount of bad experience will be able to push you unless, without bad experience you can push yourself to it.
I think I will go and get some work. If I work, I will have no time, and if I have no time I will have no time for you, and when I have no time for you I will be happy.
God, please let me learn.
Please let me learn. Please let me learn.

2011-01-29T13:08:00.002+05:30

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?

Got a job! I swear I never thought I would.

2. Did you keep your new years resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Don't keep resolutions. Can't make resolutions. Too repetitive and unattainable.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I don't think so.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Um.. No.

5. What countries did you visit?

I didn't. I only visited what seemed like Europe once in my dream.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

The two 'W's. Willpower, weightloss.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Oh god I don't even remember what happened in 2009.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

My plan to convince my boss that I was worthy of being paid :P

9. What was your biggest failure?

The plan I had to lose weight. That never works it seems.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Mental, yes.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I bought Ma an easel and canvas for Christmas.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Mine.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Incidentally, there are a lot of people with appalling and depressing behaviour.

14. Where did most of your money go?

I didn't have money first part of the year, and then once I made some money, I had nothing to spend on for a while, and then I spent a lot on clothes, chappals, and things to bring back home. And beer.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The Kodi trip! It was just the right time.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

I don't remember 2009.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you

i. happier or sadder?

I honestly, don't remember. There is no entry and exit for such things as happiness and sadness, is there? They're always there somewhere, hovering around the periphery.

ii. thinner or fatter?

Ehee. I'll give you a cookie if you can guess.

iii richer or poorer?

Richer! But again, it's subject to change.

18. Did your heart break in 2010?

My heart breaks a lot. I don't keep count.

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Hmm.. this seems difficult. Too many things to do more of.

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Cigarettes.

21. How will you be spending Christmas?

Spent it alone, with two small packets of port wine, followed by martinis, kahlua, peach schnapps and then darkness.

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?

I fall in love everyyear. It's gay.

23. How many one night stands?

Nay. I was a good girl.

24. What was your favourite TV programme?

It was either MasterChef, or Two-and-a-half men.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

It's rather useless to hate, unless you have huge guns you can use to express yourself. And that's unfortunately not okay.

26. What was the best book you read?

I didn't read much. Maybe it was Feluda.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Like I said, I don't remember 2009, so I'm not sure if it was 2009 or 2010, but I'll say Emily Loizeau.

28. What did you want and get?

Made some money, met some nice people for keeps.

29. What did you want and not get?

Weed. Especially the last part of the year. That sucked.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

I probably didn't watch anything new, but I really really liked Invictus.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned twenty two, had a thing on my terrace, with tuni bulbs, really good cake and phuckha. Could have been better though, had I not been so worried about things working out perfectly.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Weightloss! And more cheesecake.

33. How many concerts did you see in 2010?

I wont say concert, it was Armin Van Buren in Bangalore. I missed Led Zepplica AND Sphongle. FUCK MY LIFE.

34. What kept you sane?

I don't know really. Maybe it was Bundle, and the drugs.

35. How many different states did you travel to in 2010?

Three. Himachal in summer, Kodaikanal in winter, Bangalore in autumn.

36. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

2008?? Wtf?

37. Who was the worst new person you met?

No one I think.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Mubina, my boss.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

Let me just think about this one.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Let me also just think about this one.

Annoyed, unamused. But I like the light.

2011-01-29T12:42:00.001+05:30

2011-01-28T14:06:00.003+05:30

It feels so strange to think, that just a couple of weeks ago I wasn't here.
Now that I am back home, the differences are very clear. There is more noise on the streets. I realized that everyday I went out, and I swore in Bangalore never to complain about the traffic in Cal, so I don't, but mygod, the HORNS! There is noise on the streets in front of my house, there are kids screaming, adults screaming, there is a different life contained here. There'll be none of your quiet Bangalore reserve here. Is it because we're regionally lazy, that we spend so much time doing other unnecessary but necessary things? Like PNPC. I don't know.

It makes people in Blr look like programmed worker bees, everyone locked shoulder-to-shoulder in traffic, quiet, moving into the smallest available inch, nobody honks nobody shouts, they all just concentrate on moving forward. The hundreds of bikes trickle towards the front of the traffic like water droplets rolling off a surface, and you will not believe HOW surprised I was to find some SPACE between two vehicles in Calcutta while the cars were stuck in traffic.

I swear there was more to say.

2011-01-27T23:42:00.001+05:30

There is so much to say.
I actually did sit down to write, but then, I didn't get the push I needed.
Tomorrow, definitely.

2011-01-24T13:02:00.001+05:30

Next time I wont argue when I am told that you're not worth it :)

2011-01-14T00:52:00.001+05:30

Seriiously, hear it atleast once. It gets a little annoying at the end, but it's a very good use of the voice as more than just a voice.

2011-01-08T21:17:00.001+05:30

Going back home.

And soon.

And yay! :D

2011-01-03T00:03:00.002+05:30

Every time she shut her eyes, she felt the pull of her tear-dried eyelids. She had decided that it was not possible to love with half a heart only. A constant feeling of losing collected inside her like water leaking from a wooden ceiling with a gaping hole. In a capacity comparable to a paper bag, the water collected drop by drop, and when it was too full to last, great splashes of this loss-like-feeling; fluid, gushed down her cheeks, across her ear, wetting her earlobe and onto her then-waiting pillow.

There must be a way to give everything away and yet keep enough to survive. She had always known that she wasn't aware of where to stop, she had always known that if the face that was asking was pretty enough, she'd take the leap without thinking. She had always been told, to love with less for others, because in the end, they said, her happiness was her responsibility, and her responsibility only.

She never learned. She suffered stupidly. She loved in a way that was too extreme even for her, and when at night it started raining over her bed, she had no choice but to watch the water drip from the wooden ceiling into the hollow of her heart.